You may find it difficult to accept the fact that one or both of your parents has remarried.  You may still be having a lot of problems coping with your parents’ divorce or the death of one of your parents, and now another big change has occurred.  This article will discuss some of the feelings and problems you and your family may experience as two families try to blend into one, and also discuss how you can deal with this situation.

When two families merge, life can be complicated.  It may be especially hard on you as a teen because you’re going through other emotional and physical changes.  For more information on particular teen problems, please read: It’s Not Easy Being a Teen.  Because you are going through many changes, it’s important to develop a sense of stability and security.  Such a change can be emotionally difficult.  You may experience anger that your “natural” parent can love someone else.  You may also be angry having to share your parent with your step-parent and with new step-siblings.

Comparisons between your natural parent and your stepparent may also be a source of frustration.  This is not uncommon, since we all learn about life by comparing experiences and people in our lives.  Every family does things differently, and often the everyday differences in your habits, values and traditions after forming a new step-family can become a real struggle.

For example, you used to set your own bedtime, but your new step-parent believes that parents should set bedtimes.  Other habits and values that can create conflict are: meal times, sleep times, friends, TV, homework, transportation, curfews, use of alcohol and other drugs, foul language and money.  You may often say to yourself, “My mom or dad wouldn’t do it this way” or “We used to do it that way.”  

If this is occurring, try talking to your parent and/or stepparent about your feelings and difficulties you’re having adjusting to your new life.  See if you can negotiate some compromises in the way things are done.  Let your parents know that some of the older traditions and rituals in the family are important in order for you to maintain your sense of stability.

New siblings may have also caused changes in the family.  For example, maybe you are no longer the oldest girl or the only boy.  These kinds of changes will no doubt have positive and negative effects.  On the negative side, you may have to share a room either all the time or on weekends.  On the positive side, you might develop a good friendship with them.  These kinds of changes aren’t going to be easy, however, you’ve just gained a new family to get to know and love.  Things will get better over time with some effort.  Try to talk openly with your parents, and arrange to have some time with them alone so you can share your feelings.

Another difficulty may be hearing your stepparent or your own parent make negative remarks about your other parent.  Please remember they are also going through difficult times.  Additionally, your new stepparent may have different values than your natural parent.  It may be difficult for your stepparent to accept some of your behaviors because you have not grown up under their care.  They may not always understand why you are the person you are.  They may have the tendency to blame your other parent, but it’s not fair if they talk about it in front of you.  This is something they might not realize is hurting you.  You can share with your parent or stepparent that when they talk negatively about your other parent in front of you, it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Trying out all of the suggestions we’ve made will be doable if you try hard to keep the lines of communication open.  Also, remember it is probably easier for you to get along with the parent you’re not living with, because that parent does not have to deal with the conflicts that arise with your new step-family trying to adjust to new habits, values and traditions.  You might be tempted to think that all your problems will be solved if you go to live with your other parent, but with some of the coping suggestions in this article, give your new family a try first.  See if all of you can make it work!