Have you ever asked your parents if you can go somewhere with your friends and their response is “No way.”  And when you ask why, their response is, “Because we say so, that’s why!”  Not being able to do what you want and when you want sometimes seems unfair.  For example, one of the rules at your house is that your homework must be done before watching TV.  You don’t like this rule because you feel like your parents don’t trust your judgment.  It can feel like the only reason for these rules is to make your life miserable. We’ll discuss these rules and suggest ways to make life at home easier.

Rules are guidelines for behavior or actions that help people get along.  Imagine what would happen if everyone at your house disobeyed the rules and stayed up all night to watch TV or never washed the dishes.  Total chaos, right?  The point is, whether it’s your family, group of friends, school, or society- we need rules to establish order in our life.

Just because your family and our society needs rules to function doesn’t mean that all rules are fair.  In fact, some are pretty unfair.  Also, you may feel that all these rules restrict your freedom.  This is a completely natural and understandable feeling.  You’re faced with a lot of expectations by your family and society to learn how to become an independent and responsible member of society.  That’s what the word adolescence means, “to grow into maturity.”

In order to learn all of this, freedom is important.  You don’t need to be restricted by a lot of rules that were established when you were younger.  It’s frustrating to be told to act like an adult yet be treated like a kid.  Keep in mind that while you’re having a tough time dealing with this, so are your parents.  On one hand, they want you to grow into a responsible, independent adult. On the other hand, your parents are afraid to let go.  They’re not quite sure what you’ll do if certain rules are relaxed.  They know you need room to grow, but they’ll often deny this freedom until you can prove that you’re a responsible and mature teenager.

Your parents may also be having difficulty accepting the fact that you’re growing up.  It was much easier for them to deal with you when you were a kid.  They told you what to do, and you simply did it.  Things have become more complicated.  Now, after they tell you their decision, you ask them why - and you want a reasonable explanation.  Parents still expect you to do something just because they say so.  It’s an adjustment for your parents to articulate why you can’t do something.  You can try talking with them about the possibility of deciding on rules together, or about how those unfair rules can be changed.  If communicating with your parents is also an issue, check out the article Helping Your Parents Hear You.  As you’re trying to work out a new deal for yourself, remember that you’ll probably have to compromise.  Your parents most likely won’t give you everything you’re asking for.

If your parents are being unreasonable with their rules and there is no way to communicate with them, you may just have to cope with it.  Your parents do have a legal and moral responsibility for you until you’re 18.  You’re reminded of this every time they might tell you, “As long as you’re living in our home, you’ll do as I say.”  This situation is obviously not ideal, but don’t let it get you down completely. You may not be able to change your parent’s behavior and attitude, but you can try to change yours.

One way to cope is by sharing your feelings of anger and frustration with your friends. Talking about what’s going on at home won’t change what happens there, but it can make a difference in how you cope with it.  Also, remember some of the things we said earlier about what your parents are going through.  It is natural for you to get uptight about certain rules because you need room right now to grow; it’s also normal for your parents to set those rules because of their concern about the growing up process.  If you clash once in a while because they occasionally still think you’re young and you’ll listen to what they say, remember that they’re trying to revert to a time when it was easier for them to be parents.

As previously mentioned, rules are intended to help people get along and make society function.  Learning how to cope with rules is one of the things we all have to learn as we transition from childhood into adulthood. At this point in your life, you want and need freedom to explore the world around you and learn all sorts of things about yourself.  An ideal situation is if you and your parents can decide on rules together, or if you can openly talk with them about those that restrict you too much.  If you can’t, you have to rely on your patience, common sense, and an understanding of what’s happening between you and your parents in order to achieve the best results.