It is never easy to know the moment when playfulness, or small arguments with others, turns to abuse.  The transition is subtle, but you know when things start to get different and for some reason a situation begins to feel uncomfortable or fearful.  If you begin to feel uncomfortable with someone about anything, do not ignore your intuitions!  Your number one priority should always be to protect and take care of yourself.

     Abuse can be defined as anything said or done to someone that was intended to harm or offend them.  There are many different kinds of abuse.  People can be abused physically, emotionally, mentally, economically, and sexually.  It is important to know that anyone, from peers, friends, significant others and siblings, to parents or guardians are capable of abusing someone. 

     Most of the time it is women or girls who are victimized by men or boys who aren’t in control of their emotions.  Though not as common, women can also become abusive towards men.  If you feel you are being abused you have the choice to remove yourself as well as the choice to stay in the abusive environment.

     Getting out of an abusive relationship is never easy, but there are some things that can help.  First, you need to find someone to confide in.  Someone to talk to.  When emotions are flying and you are confused by the person who is abusing you, it is really hard to stay focused on what really matters, which is your safety. You need someone who is strong and can keep you accountable.   You also need to physically move yourself to a place that the abusive person cannot find you.  If you need to, call the police.  They have the power to intervene on your behalf and protect you from this abusive person if they decide to follow you.  Empower yourself.  Protect yourself.  Don’t forget to keep on talking to someone that you trust about what has gone on and what is still going on in your life even after you leave the hostilities and consider yourself safe.

     Many victims of abuse think they have the power to change the abuser.  They stay in the abusive relationship and get emotionally dragged all over the place telling themselves it is going to be over soon.  Sometimes this can lead to their own deaths.  Other victims believe they do not deserve something better than the life they are choosing to stay in.  Many times they make excuses for the abuser or remind themselves over and over of the abuser’s good qualities and try to ignore the over abundant negative traits.

     Abusers, many times, are products of abuse.  Others have chemical imbalances, mental disorders, and substance abuse, with a combination of social stresses.  There are many other factors that can contribute to abusive behavior.  It does not matter what has caused someone to be abusive, it is unacceptable and they have no excuse.

     One way to detect abusive behavior in someone else is to check your comfort level.  If at any time during any type of relationship with someone, you start to feel uncomfortable around this person or afraid of what this person is capable of doing, you could be being abused.  Another warning sign you are falling victim to abuse is negative changes in your own attitude which radiates into relationships with other close friends or family members. Other warning signs include not being able to do what you want to do because you are being controlled, constantly having to defend yourself in yelling arguments with this person, being contradicted, humiliated, or isolated most of the time if not all the time by this person, and if he or she blames you for his or her outrageous, abusive behavior.

     If you are questioning whether or not you are being abused by someone, it is best to tell someone you trust about the situation.  You could share your situation with your teacher or your counselor or someone who can tell you the truth from an unbiased perspective.  If you don’t want this person to know you are the victim, you can pretend that you are telling them about a friend’s dilemma.  It might help them to come to a legitimate conclusion without being biased. 

     It’s hard to leave a relationship when you have been a part of it for a long time and endured so much together.  The first time you realize that you are being abused, it may be such a shock you make up excuses and call it an accident.  When someone gets really mad, they want a quick release.  Something as satisfying as punching a wall or throwing a chair.  They will do anything to break something so they can feel they are back in control.  After they realize what they have done, they might apologize and try to comfort you.  But later, because they want control and your submission, they may justify what they did and you may find yourself saying, “They really didn’t mean to.  It only happened once.  They said they were sorry.  I shouldn’t have…”  The worst thing you can do is blame yourself.  You should not be taking responsibility for another’s actions.  It does not help you.  It does not help the abuser.

     There is something that you can do!  Be proactive.  It’s really good to find a strong support group of friends or family that can help you recognize the abusive relationship and will help remove you from it right away.  If you find yourself in an abusive relationship and don’t think you have a way out, don’t hesitate to get help from an outside source.  Temporary Restraining Orders (TROs) can be obtained if you have factual evidence that you have been abused by someone.  The law states that they cannot touch you, talk to you, or even be in the same facility as you.  If they try anything, they could be arrested on sight.  It’s important, however, to be smart about being seen in public.  Always have friends with you and walk in public places where there are plenty of people.

      Fear can make us do or not do things that we shouldn’t or should.  Do not let fear be the reason you remain someone else’s physical, psychological, emotional, economical, or sexual outlet.  There are many warning signs of abusive behavior – be aware of them.  If you ever find yourself in a situation you do not think you can get out of alone, there are places you can call or go to.  Here in Hawaii, you can call the Domestic Violence Action Center at 808-531-3771.