If you’re looking for an answer to this question, it’s a sign that you’re well on your way to becoming a mature adult.  It’s a difficult question to deal with, and only you can decide what’s right and best for you.  We can’t give you an easy answer.  But we can suggest some guidelines to help you sort out your feelings.

     Usually, people refer to sexual intercourse when they ask the question, “How far is too far?”  But it could also mean kissing and touching.  What you may be concerned about depends on your age, what your friends are doing, whether you’ve got a girlfriend or boyfriend, what your parents have taught you, and your own standards and values.

     First, ask yourself why you are here.  It may be because you’re feeling internal or external pressures to kiss, touch, or have sex.  Internal pressures are those reasons that you yourself may have for getting physically involved.  External pressures are those reasons that other people or our society uses in persuading you to become physically involved. 

     Let’s look at some examples of different kinds of internal and external pressure.  Internal pressure might be feeling that you have to do what everyone else is doing because you’d be considered weird if you don’t.  Or, maybe you think having sex would prove to yourself and to others that you’re a real man or a real woman.  Maybe you’re worried that you’ll lose your girlfriends or boyfriend if you don’t.  If you’re angry with your parents, having sex may look like a good way to reject their values and really get back at them.  Another example of internal pressure is being involved with someone emotionally and wanting to share your body with him or her.  We all know the sexual feelings can be pretty overpowering at times, and that it’s easy to get carried away by your feelings.

     If you’re struggling with the question, “How far is too far?” it might be because you’re in one of the situations we just described.  You could also be feeling external pressure - that is, reasons that other people have to get you to become physically involved.  Your boyfriend or girlfriend might be saying to you, “If you loved me you would,” Or, “Why not?  Everybody else is doing it.”  Another example of external pressure has to do with the way our society has glorified sex in movies, songs and ads.  We may start thinking that we’re missing out on something fantastic because we decided to wait.

     Any or all of these could be reasons you’re feeling pressured to kiss, touch, or have sex.  But they’re really not good enough reasons for getting too physically involved.  Tell the person who’s saying, “If you loved me you would,” that if they love you, they wouldn’t ask.  If you feel you have to get sexually involved with someone you’re with to hold onto him or her, ask yourself seriously if that person is worth hanging on to.  All the reasons we mentioned are bad reasons for getting sexually involved when you really don’t want to.

      Let’s look more closely at a few things that can help you make a decision about what’s right and wrong for you.  Physical intimacy can be a beautiful experience, but only if it’s with the right person and only if you’re able to handle the possible consequences.  If you’re involved with someone emotionally right now and seem to be heading toward a sexual relationship, ask yourself some of the following questions: Have the two of you talked about your feelings and ideas about sex?  Are you considering the other’s emotions, or is one of you forcing your feelings on the other?  What do you want from the relationship - sex or love?  There is a difference, and you need to think about which you want to base your relationship on.

      You must also look at the possible consequences of sexual intimacy for you at this point in your life.  Unless you are really convinced that what you’re doing is right, you could damage your self-respect.  Consider also that you may lose your parents’ trust.  That you could lose the respect of your partner.  How would your friends react if they found out?  What about your reputation?  And instead of a beautiful experience, sex can be awful if you’re not ready to handle it and are worried about being found out.

      Then there is always the possibility that you or your partner could get pregnant.  If that should happen, the two of you are going to have to deal with the question of keeping the child and maybe getting married, putting it up for adoption, or getting an abortion.  An unwanted pregnancy could be the most serious problem you’ll ever face in your life.  Can you count on your partner to help you deal with it?  If the two of you are saying that you can always get married if there’s a pregnancy, consider seriously if you could handle marriage and a baby emotionally and financially.

      We’ve asked you to think about many things.  But you must think about them if you’re going to come up with an answer to, “How far is too far?” that’s right for you.  Be honest with yourself, and be honest with your partner.  Talk with him or her about your feelings.  See if the two of you can come up with a solution that’s fair to both.  Remember that sex doesn’t just happen - it’s the result of a conscious choice, and that choice is yours.