One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do in your life is to figure out who you are and to establish your own identity.   Being compared to other people can many times be considered a compliment, but on other occasions, it can be bothersome.  Statements like, “Why don’t you get good grades like your sister?” can really get you down.  We’re going to look at why our families may use comparisons and why hearing ourselves compared to others can bother us.  We’ll also talk about what you can do the next time this happens to you.

      There will always be someone to compare you with—cousins, your friends, and neighborhood kids your age, your brothers and sisters.  It could be someone who did something better than you when they were your age, or you might even find yourself compared to yourself—when you were younger and listened to your parents for example.

      A comparison that’s kind of different but can hurt just as much can happen when your parents look at their neighbor’s or friend’s kids who are on drugs, getting pregnant or stealing cars, and then say to you, “I hope you don’t turn out like that.” If you’ve given your parents absolutely no reason to think you’re going that route, this kind of comparison can be very discouraging.

      Parents, teachers, everybody uses comparisons. They’re an easy way to let someone know what you’re thinking or feeling about them.  In your own life, you may have used comparisons such as complaining that your baby sister gets away with a lot more than you did at her age, or told your parents you wished they were more like your friends’ parents.  A comparison may sound like a personal attack, but it might not always be.  It’s sometimes easier, faster, and shorter to say, for example, “Why can’t you get decent grades like your brother?” than it is to say, “I’m really concerned about your grades. I know that you’ve got a good mind and are interested in college, so I don’t understand what’s happening.”  A person who compares you to someone else may be trying to tell you that he’s angry or unhappy with your behavior, or that he’s worried about your safety or future.  

      So what can you do when you find yourself being compared unfavorably? The next time it happens, try hard not to get angry, or feel hurt or resentful. See if you can figure out what the person comparing you to someone else is really trying to say to you. And then, think about why it bothers you so much.

      But this is just the beginning. Nothing is going to change unless you can do one more thing. You’re also going to have to talk to the person who has angered or hurt you. Tell him what you think he was trying to say, and why it bothers you when it’s said as a comparison.

      Let’s look at a situation and see how it could be handled in the way we’ve just described. Suppose your parents are really starting to clamp down on you about borrowing the family car to go out at night. They’ve been seeing a lot of newspaper stories lately about serious car accidents involving teens that drink and drive. When you complain, they say they don’t want that to happen to you. You’ve just been compared.

      Now, you could yell a lot, which wouldn’t help much. Or you could think about what your parents are probably trying to say. It might be something like; “We’re worried about you. We know you’re a good driver, but what if you get pressured into drinking and it’s no longer safe for you to drive?”

      Tell your parents that you understand what they’re trying to say, and also tell them that you appreciate having parents who care about what happens to you. But then explain to them why it hurts when they compare you to all the kids who drink and drive.

       We’ve talked about comparisons as verbal shortcuts. Most of us have used them, even though they can be unfair and probably hurt a lot more than we realize.  We’ve suggested that the next time you’re being compared, stay calm, think about what the person doing the comparing is really trying to say, and try to figure out why it bothers you. Then let him know that you understand what they’re trying to tell you, and explain how you feel about the comparison. It’ll be hard, and it will take patience and courage on your part. But you are a person in your own right. You know it. Other people should too.